Large and in charge

*Warning* Explicit material... read at your own risk. Especially men who don't really want to know the ins and outs of what goes on at an OB visit.

So, I went to my last doctors appointment on Tuesday. You know what I hate about doctors offices? Your appointment is at say, 9am. You get there at 8:45... sit in the waiting room until 9:30 and finally get called back about an hour after you get there. The nurse weighs you and whatnot... then you go sit in the room to see the dr. for another 30 minutes. This is all the more uncomfortable when your at the lady doctor and the 30 minutes in the room by yourself you're sitting in what looks like the left over material from grandma's quilting basket.

I will admit at Lakeside, they give you a "pink party dress". This is nice because there is no question about how it goes on. You're fully covered and you sit there as comfortably as you can knowing the impending doom.
At my doctor, there is no dress. When I go in the room, the lady tells me "pink is the top and black is the bottom". I can't really tell what it looks like because it's neatly folded on the table.

So, I decide that I'm going to investigate how exactly these garments work before I disrobe. Boy, am I glad that I did!! Never in my life have I been more confused about what went where. By checking these out ahead of time I saved myself a good 15 minutes standing around buck naked looking stupid, holding up fabric and looking for an arm hole, something, anything that looked familiar.

The top looked like one of those "barber smocks" that the lady who cuts your hair puts around your neck. Ok, I think, I know where my head goes... but do I wear it like a cape? It has no snap or anything, so does the opening go in the back or the front? Once I put it on I discover that it will wrap around me twice, so I opt for the scarf approach and throw the two flaps over my shoulders. This gives me the most coverage considering the length of my "cape scarf" hit me at about the belly button. (I later realize that this was not the best approach, as the doctor has to "unwind" me for the exam.)

The bottoms... well that's another story. The "bottoms" (if you can even call it that) unfolded is just a square of fabric. At first I think I can wear it like a towel and tuck in the ends. No biggie, I think, and I start to wrap the bottoms around my waist. The fabric looked larger before I put it around me. I now realize the bottoms are about the size of a hand towel; there will be no wrapping. So now comes the realization... I'm going to have to sit my bare butt on that table?!?! Bare butt is MUCH better than the alterative to leave the opening on the other side. So, I cinch that baby as tight as I can get it and waddle over to the table and hop up. I must say, I covered most of me... which was quite a feat considering what little I had to work with.

So there I sit... in my tablecloth scraps. Waiting, Waiting... My leg is starting to go to sleep (probably because the bottoms are a tourniquet at my mid-thigh). Anyway, the doctor FINALLY gets in there and measures my belly. How far are you?? She pokes my belly some more, then looks at my chart... Then back to the belly. Turns out, I'm measuring about 2 weeks farther along that I say that I am. We're waiting until the ultrasound to find out why... but I was slightly freaked out. I possibly missed a whole 2 weeks?!? After talking to some friends, they assured me that it was normal. I'm alright now, but everything I read online about women who measured large was like... "I measured 2 weeks ahead and had a 40 pound baby!" HOLY $%&*^#! (ok, so maybe not 40, but there were several 11-13 pounders documented).

So, anyway, I'm large... and for the sake of my sanity and my physical being I'm praying that I'm not on the path to birth a 2-year old. Oy vey!